My hubby, Baron, has been super helpful with this blog, for the most part behind the scenes. Occasionally, I’ve shared some of his insights to not only give a male perspective—but also an intuitive perspective. I’ve always known there’s something super special about him and words can’t express how grateful I am to have him as a mentor, husband, best friend…and yes, my soulmate.
In case you didn’t know: a healthy lifestyle isn’t just about eating good and working out. But wait, before you halt your exercise program and start hogging out on ice-cream and pizza, let me get to the actual point I’m making. Your nutrition and fitness choices do matter (so please keep those up) but being happy with yourself and your relationships is also a critical “healthy lifestyle” factor.
Because of how deeply intuitive and rawly honest Baron is, a lot of my friends (many of them girlfriends) will inquire advice from him. Oftentimes the advice they are seeking is about relationships—whether wanting to find one, get out of one, or make the one they’re in work. Sound familiar? Well, if so, then you gotta keep reading. And even if not, then you could still perhaps benefit from the below post he shared on social media.
Which in itself means it’s something important. Because, you see, Baron doesn’t really care all that much about social media and he only occasionally goes on there. And usually when he does, it’s either to share a proud moment about family/friends or to help others.
So when he posted the article below, I quickly got his permission to also share it here. I pray it can help as many people out there as possible—including you. Especially if you’re feeling at a loss in your current relationship (or lack thereof).
Do you believe there’s a soulmate available for each one of us?
But more importantly, do you think there’s a person out there… somewhere… who could be a perfect fit for you? It’s not that hard at all for two people to enjoy each other in the first stage of a relationship, but what about when things settle down and real problems start becoming like… seriously hard issues to deal with? Do you think there’s someone that exists for you on this planet who has the strength to listen patiently and intuitively, and then give you encouragement and insight when you’re feeling weak? And on the flip side, do you think you have what it takes to make another person feel like you can be leaned on for help and guidance because that person just knows you’ll have the right input when it’s desperately needed?
If you’re like most people, you believe in the concept of a soulmate. Well, in theory anyway. Someone who’s not necessarily perfect in every possible way, but someone who’s perfect… FOR YOU.
The problem with this viewpoint is that our actions don’t often line up with our beliefs. Even though we believe there’s someone out there who just clicks with us in every way possible, our impatience and loneliness lead us down another path entirely. So we end up just settling for someone less than what we truly desire.
And then the chiseling begins.
Just like a master sculptor, we pull out our tool bag and start hammering away at the person we’re with… trying so desperately to carve that person into the ONE we want so bad.
“If only he would stop spending countless hours staring at the TV and take a few minutes to actually listen to me.”
“Maybe she’ll remember that’s it been friggin’ two months since we’ve been intimate and actually be receptive to me… her husband… for a change.”
Then comes the arguing because after all, we’re really good at trying to make our points and change each other. And with each strike of the hammer and chisel, all we accomplish is wasting a ton of time and effort on the wrong person. The universe is giving you every signal possible that this relationship… if you can even call it that at this point… is definitely not working but you keep on beating the hell out of that chisel. The fights… the silence… the tears… and in the worst case, the betrayal… are just too much to bear. But you keep on sucking it up and chiseling on this person, hammering him or her into being your ONE… but it never happens.
So when the chiseling yields nothing, you start telling lies to yourself like, “I need to stay in this for the kids”… even though you know deep down that the last thing the kids need to see is their parents in an unhappy relationship. Then you conjure up bullshit excuses to make this mess you’re in something better than what it really is. You think about the couple you know that has it even worse than you do and that does bring you some comfort, but it doesn’t fix anything.
And year after year, it’s the same old thing.
One thing I can promise you is that your soulmate is not going to get delivered to your front door with no effort on your part. I love asking people this question: “So if you could construct the perfect person for you, what would he or she look like? But more importantly, what would they BE like? What would be the characteristics that person would need to possess that would make you find him or her infinitely attractive and irresistible?”
Sadly, most people don’t even have an answer.
You believe there’s someone out there for you, but you’ve never taken even a moment to define what that person would be like. If he or she showed up right now, you wouldn’t even recognize the opportunity.
If that describes you, take some time this week to think about the person that you truly desire. Write down all the desirable characteristics of that person, and also jot down some things about yourself and your life that you need to work on or accomplish to attract that person to you. Then take action to put yourself into a position that will allow you to be receptive to the man or woman of your dreams when the opportunity arises.
If you’re in a broken relationship currently, that means unwinding yourself out of it, as painful as that may be, even if a period of loneliness is inevitably on the horizon. The problem with most of us is that we’re scared of change, and that fear of the unknown prevents us from ever finding the right person because all of our energy is spent in the comfort of the here and now dealing with the wrong person. It’s time to start unwinding yourself from this “thing” you’ve got yourself into and start doing and becoming all that is required to be with the one you were destined to be with.
I’m only sharing this with you because I did it myself. It’s painful and scary making that transition, but it’s possible and so worth it. Good luck!
What’d ya think?
Reading this over again only gives me more goosebumps. Baron and I have been through a lot—both of us previously married to the wrong person that we tried fervently to chisel. Perhaps braving that experience helped us be more open and raw and honest with each other. It’s surely helped me to see outside of myself and consider his feelings and needs.
Do I fuck up? Lord knows I do! Does he fuck up? Well, of course he does. I said he was rawly intuitive, not a saint.
But here’s one thing we both know and agree on: Irregardless of all the mud and dirt and grime that is impossible not to get tangled in at times—we both know irrevocably that we are meant to be together. He is my soulmate, spiritual partner, best friend—And I know he believes I am his. So we get dirty and angry and hurt…and then we work together to find the best solutions possible. Most of the time when I’m down he helps me up and vice versa. Though there are also times when he’s down and I’ve helped us sink lower. But guess what? We work through that shit too.
It’s important to know that finding your soulmate isn’t all roses and rainbows and the best sex of your life every day. Sure, you could experience those things, but you’ll never be able to avoid challenges, disappointments, upsets, failures, hurt feelings, etc.
Finding your soulmate is working through all that shit together. Loving each other no matter how dirty things get. Supporting each other as hard and passionately as possible. Owning your actions when you fuck up. Giving grace and forgiveness when your soulmate fucks up. Not trying to change who they are, but accepting them wholeheartedly (the good parts and the flaws too).
Nothing is perfect. Your soulmate won’t be perfect. You’ll never be perfect. But once you do find your soulmate, you’ll know it with all your heart and mind and body and soul. No matter what happens you’ll never doubt that bond. It can empower you. It can motivate you. It can strengthen you. It can comfort you.
I truly hope and pray that this post helps and inspires you in some positive way. That if you’re searching for someone, that you’ll take a moment to search yourself first. What is it you really want/need in your soulmate? What sacrifices or changes will that require from you?
With all my love,